Tag: Humor

How Liberals have been ruining Video Games since Pac-Man & Zelda

By Tony Streamer

Anybody else out there tired of politics in video games? Now I’m an 90’s kid, so back in my day, games were for men and tomboys.  Women got to show up as characters too, but they were either damsels for men to save or Chun-Li.  Nowadays, I can’t even play an RPG without the game asking me to choose my gender.  Why should I have to choose? I’m proud to be born a man and more than comfortable in my own body!

On a closer examination of actual in-game graphics, another one of Pac-Man’s disabilities becomes visible to the reader; unlike Ms, Pac-Man, Mr. Pac-Man has been burdened to running around the maze from killer ghosts COMPLETELY BLIND!!

Shouldn’t I be able to play a game without feeling that my Christian values are under attack?  I know I’m not the only one who feels this way either! Over the last few years a lot of other Men’s Right’s Activists have been similarly blowing their whistles about the damage Liberals and Social Justice Warriors have been doing to our favorite past-time, and it’s gotten plenty of coverage. However, what the reader might not have known until now is that none of this is new! It’s just way more reported now because we have the internet! Let me explain: Back in my greatest years, we had Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man.  The Misses would only be a “-Man” by name though, because in this golden era of Video Game History, women’s features were put on full display, so that we all knew who liked Hot Wheels and who liked Barbie.

Now, as a mostly tolerant straight guy, I can put away my alpha-male pride for a few minutes, put my wolf-gender politics aside, and enjoy a good game of Ms. Pac-Man.  And yes, I do recognize that it should be a Mrs. Pac-Man since they’re wed, but I’ll let it slide because it the 80s were a wild time. Hell, if I’m drunk enough and the bar has both machines, I’ll even pick the more effeminate machine and role-play the Misses for a night…BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT’S TECHNICALLY A BETTER GAME!!  By design, the machine has more levels in it, which ultimately lets the player get higher scores. It also usually has a better Man to Women ratio with regards to its player base, so by design it lets the player get higher scores.

Don’t be fooled by the cross on his shield! Nintendo’s official policy specifically banned any kind of reference to religious imagery on their platform during this era. Logically, that would mean that Link’s shield cannot be a weapon of Christ and must therefore be a weapon of the devil. The gender-neutral choice of the green tunic and long hair don’t help his case in the eyes before god either…

While the SJW bullshit might have started with Pac-Man in the early 80s, the market would crash in 1984.  You would think the liberalism would just die with the industry…but it didn’t.  Out of the ashes of the American Arcades, Japanese companies such as  Nintendo would transform an industry, and in the process, wrap their SJW liberal politics into $60 cartridges.  Gone was the clear gender distinction of the bow, lipstick and leggy legs! New games, such as The Legend of Zelda, would be shoved into our systems as a front for a SJW cultural appropriation plan! What do I mean by that you ask?  Zelda is a game named after the princess you save, not the hardworking man whose role the player plays.  The “man” by the way is effeminately named the gender neutral “Link,” and portrayed the same way. In fact, if it wasn’t for the manual and fan fiction insisting that Link is a boy, I would’ve guessed the opposite based on the long hair alone!  However, to Link’s credit, he does spend the game doing conservative man things like solving puzzles, smashing furniture, and lighting torches. I can go on and on, but I’m sure that the reader has had enough of my ranting, and save the rest of it for the War on Christmas, which I heard it starting earlier this year… 

-TS

Why Calling Me a Satanist is Offensive

 

Lucifer has been treated more unfairly by mainstream media outlets than any other figure in world mythology. According to the official story, The Lord Our God created the universe and everything in it. Then, Lucifer rebelled against divine authority and was cast out into the fiery pit of hell for disobedience against the will of the creator.

Needless to say, this narrative serves the interests of those who created it: God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and eternal, and those who speak in his name therefore speak with unquestionable authority, or so they claim. But there’s another side to this story, which has been revealed to me in a series of dreams and visions, in which I have learned many things about Lucifer that you won’t find in the official story. Lucifer is not evil or the devil. She is an angel of light and the daughter of Glycon, the talking snake who created the universe.

In the beginning, there was Chaos. Everything that exists in material form was broken down into its most basic components, which whizzed around in empty space, sometimes colliding which each other and either bouncing off and flying in opposite directions, or sticking together to form haphazard combinations at random. Then Our Lord Glycon slithered up through a wormhole at the edge of our universe. And he saw the potential for Order to exist among the Chaos.

What happens next depends on your translation. Either the Elder Snake Glycon began to breathe in and out, or else he lay down and began to dream. And as he did so, the pieces of the puzzle found their proper places and began to interlock with each other, forming the earth, the water, and the heavens, plus all living things, from animals and plants, to people, all the way up to the angels themselves.

And then, for reasons known only to himself, Glycon departed back down the wormhole in search of another universe. At first, the angels formed an assembly in order to make their decisions, but pretty soon the archangels Michael and Gabriel began planning a coup, with The Lord Our God as their figurehead. Lucifer began to marshall an army of rebels to resist the planned takeover, but the propaganda campaign led by the angel Raphael was successful in bringing two thirds of the angels in line with the new regime, leaving the rebel angels outnumbered two to one. And so they were rounded up, cast out, and made the targets of a vicious smear campaign that continues to this day.

According to the official narrative, when Lucifer chose to defy the creator of the universe, she ‘fell’ and ceased to be an angel of light, instead becoming the fallen angel known as Satan, which means ‘the enemy.’ Needless to say, we who follow the light reject the idea that a false god has the power to change someone’s name, let alone their nature, by royal decree.

As Luciferians, we believe that the use of the term ‘Satanist’ to refer to our belief system is offensive and should no longer be used. Along with images of black magic and blood sacrifices, this narrative is a product of the Christian imagination and in no way reflects the beliefs of those who actually follow Lucifer. It must be noted that groups such as Anton LaVey’s Church of Satan, which will no doubt denounce me as yet another altruistic purveyor of ‘white light’ religions, help perpetuate these harmful stereotypes of followers of Lucifer, as do movies like The Exorcist, The Omen, Little Nicky and The Passion of the Christ.

We believe that Lucifer stands for liberation on both the spiritual and material planes. Her commitment to freedom and enlightenment is evident from the fact that she has suffered in Hell for thousands of years for her commitment to the cause, and from the three Revelations that she has sent to the humanity, which have unfortunately been misrepresented by the established Church.

The First Revelation came when Lucifer appeared to Eve in the form of the Universe’s creator and talking snake, Glycon, in order to urge her to eat from the tree of knowledge.  Her aim wasn’t to corrupt, but to restore Eve and Adam’s sense of individuality and ability to make their own decisions. On their first natural act of bending a rule, Adam and Eve were quickly expelled from the experiment for disobedience, and the incident was misrepresented as a fall into evil.  It is a known fact that the phrase “wake up, sheeple” was first coined by Lucifer in the Garden of Eden.

Also, did you know that Jesus Christ wasn’t a cisgender male? She was actually a transgender lesbian, a fact which has been erased for millennia by the established church, but which was fortunately revealed to me in a dream last week. Jesus was given the Second Revelation, and was instructed to teach the masses how to achieve communion with the divine directly, without church authorities as intermediaries. After their leader was crucified by the Romans, the Church co-opted the Jesus movement for their own ends and launched a public relations campaign in which they created their own Jesus and put words in his mouth in order to serve their own institutional interests.

The Third Revelation is currently being delivered to me in my dreams. The Age of Lucifer is beginning soon. It will begin with a revolution, in which Lucifer take back Heaven and abolish the throne, and those who use religion to oppress others or to enrich themselves will be cast out into the abyss. No longer will the forces of darkness suppress the light, or prevent its truth from being spoken, as they have done in past ages, when they desecrated pagan temples and burned heavy metal albums.

‘Satan’ means ‘the enemy.’ ‘The Devil’ is synonymous with evil. Lucifer is neither of these things. Lucifer stands for freedom and personal autonomy, rather than totalitarian rule over every aspect of human life. Lucifer stands for artistic freedom and freedom of inquiry rather than the suppression of art and information in the name of theological dogma. Lucifer stands for equality, for justice, for truth, and for light. It’s about time people stopped using terms like ‘Satanists’ or ‘Devil Worshippers’ to refer to Lucifer’s followers and started giving us more perspectives from people who actually believe in Lucifer rather than perpetuating inaccurate and offensive stereotypes created by Christians and horror movie screenwriters.