The Brutally Honest Fictional News Writers & Staff of Objectively Stated.
Alice Ginsberg – Alice Ginsberg is an underground journalist, and the author of several books of poetry and prose. In addition to writing, she has been a barista, private caterer, and the hostess of an open mic. She holds an MFA from NYU. She was named 2013’s Hipster of the Year by the Village Voice, and in 2014 was awarded the Gertrude Stein Award for Experimental Writing. She currently lives in a high-rise condo in Long Island City with her girlfriend and three cats. Ms. Ginsberg writes creatively, will review just about anything, and has been known to report her nightmares as the news.
Billy Trumpet – Billy Trumpet is an internet troll, independent documentary maker, and Revolutionary War cosplayer from Saratoga, New York. He is a former InfoWars contributor who quit after Alex Jones went broke. Mr. Trumpet has published over fifty conspiracy theories and has won over a dozen Fake News Awards. Mr. Trumpet will write about anything he thinks will get a reaction.
Lady Anonymous – Lady Anonymous is a former freelance political consultant and real estate agent who now works undercover at Fox News. She is definitely not Megyn Kelly. As a life-long libertarian, she believes the most effective way to promote the #Resistance and #Anon movements is with a pro-business agenda.
Leon Sozeb – Leon Sozeb is an entrepreneur, inventor, and the founder and CEO of Sozeb Enterprises, which is transportation and space exploration company that has recently branched out into providing data-driven solutions to everyday problems. Mr. Sozeb lives in Los Angeles, California.. His hobbies include skiing, dabbling in Eastern religions, and reading old science fiction novels for ideas to pitch to Silicon Valley investors. He is an avid proponent of the benefits of micro-dosing, and is considering a run for President.
Michael Balloon – Mike made his fortunes young selling broken windows machines to people who are dumb about technology, and now makes his money selling ugly window replacements to homeowners who don’t get home improvement. He proudly open-sources his high-pressure sales tactics here so he can continue to screw over people who don’t google things before making big financial decisions. He is not that fun at staff parties because he is a teetotaler, likely because he is a control freak. Despite being a self-described “awful person,” he insists that everything he does is legal and nearly impossible to prosecute.
Reverend Emily Falwell – Reverend Emily Falwell is a stage performer, street preacher, and transgender activist originally from the small college town of Thessaly in upstate New York. As the owner of her own church, the Temple of Lucifer, Emily is a woman entrepreneur in the traditionally male-dominated field of organized religion, which is why you should donate to Emily’s church instead of to one of her competitors. Emily is an ordained minister through an online church that will literally ordain anyone, and holds a degree in theology from a small liberal arts college in Arkham, Massachusetts. She writes about religion, gender issues, and literature.
Sirius Gottmetzger – A Historian, Classicist, and Romantic who happens to love learning the lessons of the past while headbanging to loud metal music. He writes about Rebels, Heretics, and Revolutionaries and hopes that at one point he will pull a stunt worthy of society will labeling him as all three!
Tommy Streamer – A Freelance IT Specialist, former voice actor, and all around old-school New Yorker. He ultimately decided to follow his dreams to become a Technological Handyman when he realized he liked fixing the office printers more than he liked being inside of any kind of office. He has a collection of old laptops, stereo equipment, and 8-bit computers that he somehow manages to squeeze inside of a NYC apartment. He like most New Yorkers is left of center but dislikes talking politics because he doesn’t like arguing with people. He is currently working on an upcoming podcast called “Tech Talk with Tommy & Tony” which he swears will premier April 1st.
Tony Streamer – Recovering Republican, Christian Video Game Reviewer, and younger brother and roommate to Tommy Streamer. Despite being a life-long politically active “conservative,” he swears he doesn’t like or trust the president, saying “Who trusts a Teetotaler who doesn’t laugh?” He’s also a co-host on the upcoming podcast “Tech Talk with Tommy & Tony”