By Max Headcase.
The longest government shutdown in history came to a close today as Democrats agreed to appropriate 1.6 billion dollars to build a 200 foot wall around Trump Tower. This compromise was quickly hailed as an ideal compromise by partisans on both sides. “Everyone wins with this solution,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The President gets his wall, and the rest of us can rest easy knowing that one of the greatest threats in this nation’s history is safely contained within its borders.”
Initially, the Republicans wanted to build a wall that was as tall as the 664 foot Trump Tower. However, after a lengthy deliberation over cost and permitting in Manhattan, the two parties agreed on a 200 foot wall, with the rest of the tower to be obscured by giant tarps flown by hovering drones. Although constantly tweeting “A TARP IS NOT A WALL!!1!” from the negotiation table, the President signed the agreement soon after in-house IT experts managed to sync up a drone emblazoned with the President’s name to his cell phone. Nicknamed “The Trump Drone,” this customized flying machine is fitted with a 4k projector, altitude sensor, highly secure GPS system and thousands of hours of Fox News footage ; all of which will keep the drone flying near the president in order to project old campaign rally footage from 2016 onto the nearest tarp.
This move was greeted with relief from local New Yorkers, especially many of the neighbors who own sky rights, and who tend to view Trump Tower as an eyesore. Once construction is complete, this arrangement will prevent Trump and a city that hates him from ever having to look at each other.
Still, not everyone is satisfied with this solution. Some conservatives feel betrayed, and wonder if they will be invited inside Trump Tower with the President. “If that were the case, I’d be all for it,” said one Trump-supporting conservative I know. “But something tells me that he’ll invite all his rich buddies and leave the average blue collar conservative to fend for himself.” Other Trump supporters have been scrambling to get inside the Tower, even going so far as to apply for line cook, dishwasher, and custodial positions traditionally held by immigrants.
Meanwhile, some on the left question whether it will be an effective way of keeping the President isolated from the rest of society. “Sure, it’s a good idea in theory,” said a local Democrat, “but what’s stopping the President from sneaking out through the sewers or simply flying over it in a private helicopter?” A handful of congressional Democrats even voted against the bill, which they denounced as an expensive waste of taxpayer money that would fail at its intended purpose of containment of Donald Trump in order to prevent him from causing any more damage.
I shared these concerns with a senior White House aide, who just laughed and informed me that the deal included funding for hiring a team of programmers to build a Twitter simulator for President Trump’s phone, which will recreate the social interactions of the President’s favorite social media site, except with bots instead of real people. The app will feature an advanced algorithm that will determine what combination of praise and condemnation will most effectively keep the President occupied on any given day. “As long as the simulation keeps him busy,” said the aide, “I’m sure he’ll never notice.”
In any case, construction of the wall will begin next month. President Trump will remain in residence in Washington, DC or at the Mar-a-Lago until it is nearly complete. Then, the President will enter through a small entrance in the wall left by construction workers, which will then be sealed behind him as he goes inside the tower, never to be seen again by the world outside the wall.