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Dear Catholic Church, Religion Should be For Consenting Adults

Written By Reverend Emily Falwell

 

Everyone knows that the Catholic Church has a problem with pedophile priests that goes back centuries. These cases have received widespread media coverage since at least 2002, and yet the Church has failed to come up with an effective response to this epidemic, and has in many cases lied, made excuses, and helped cover up the actions of the perpetrators. This weekend, Pope Francis will be meeting with key bishops in order to discuss how the Church should respond to the thousands of allegations of child abuse by Catholic priests on six continents. Hopefully, the Pope will finally put his foot down and take action to end this crisis once and for all, because, statistically speaking, Catholic churches have statistically toppled everything else we traditionally think of as activities dangerous to children, and has internationally become one of the worst environments for children around the world..

 

No other global institution has made news headlines as frequently as the world’s oldest Christian church for the frequent practice priests molesting children and the Church covering it up and helping the pedophiles avoid local authorities and legal consequences. 180 Priests in New Jersey alone have been credibly accused, and over 300 in the state of Pennsylvania. We’re talking about an institutional cover-up of thousands of child molesters here, and that’s just the recent cases. The Catholic Church’s willingness to turn a blind eye to the crimes of their priests goes back centuries, and only now that these cases are getting widespread media exposure is the Church addressing the issue..

Pope Francis said in his opening remarks yesterday morning that “the people of God look to us and expect from us not simple and obvious condemnations, but concrete and effective measures.” Normally, I wouldn’t offer free advice to Christian churches. But, for the sake of the children, I would like to propose a solution to the Catholic Church’s priest problem: all church functions should be restricted to ages 18 and up. Now, the Catholic Church probably won’t like this solution, but it is one hundred percent guaranteed to work. Besides, the Church has been promising a crackdown on predatory priests for decades without results, so drastic times call for drastic measures. Plus, this policy has already been implemented by a number of Satanic churches, including The Church of Satan and my own Temple of Lucifer.

 

I would like to invite Christian churches to join us followers of Lucifer in an interfaith council against clerical abuse, beginning with the principle that religion should be for adults only. I know we have a lot of theological differences, but I think we can all agree that the safety and wellbeing of children is more important than arguments over religious doctrine. Please take the pledge and join us in restricting all church services to ages 18 and older. Not only will this policy eliminate the risk of the church becoming a sanctuary for predatory priests, it will also prevent your church from becoming a haven for the indoctrination of children.

 

If religion is the opiate of the masses, then perhaps it’s time we started regulating it like we do with other narcotics. Just like you have to be over 18 to make an educated decision about tobacco, and over 21 to make an informed and responsible decision about alcohol, we believe that children are still in the process of developing the critical thinking and reasoning skills required to make an informed decision about religion, leaving them vulnerable to brainwashing and manipulation. So please, Christians, think of the children, and leave religion to consenting adults.

Reverend Emily Falwell is a writer, street preacher, and transgender activist originally from the town of Thessaly in upstate New York. Emily is an ordained minister through an online church that will literally ordain anyone, and holds a degree in theology from Miskatonic University, a small liberal arts college in Arkham, Massachusetts. As the owner of her own church, the Temple of Glycon, Emily is a woman entrepreneur in the traditionally male-dominated field of organized religion.

Government Shutdown Ends As Democrats Agree To Funding Deal For Wall Around Trump Tower

By Max Headcase.

The longest government shutdown in history came to a close today as Democrats agreed to appropriate 1.6 billion dollars to build a 200 foot wall around Trump Tower. This compromise was quickly hailed as an ideal compromise by partisans on both sides. “Everyone wins with this solution,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The President gets his wall, and the rest of us can rest easy knowing that one of the greatest threats in this nation’s history is safely contained within its borders.”

tarp tweetInitially, the Republicans wanted to build a wall that was as tall as the 664 foot Trump Tower. However, after a lengthy deliberation over cost and permitting in Manhattan, the two parties agreed on a 200 foot wall, with the rest of the tower to be obscured by giant tarps flown by hovering drones.  Although constantly tweeting “A TARP IS NOT A WALL!!1!” from the negotiation table, the President signed the agreement soon after in-house IT experts managed to sync up a drone emblazoned with the President’s name to his cell phone. Nicknamed “The Trump Drone,” this customized flying machine is fitted with a 4k projector, altitude sensor, highly secure GPS system and thousands of hours of Fox News footage ; all of which will keep the drone flying near the president in order to project old campaign rally footage from 2016 onto the nearest tarp.

This move was greeted with relief from local New Yorkers, especially many of the neighbors who own sky rights, and who tend to view Trump Tower as an eyesore. Once construction is complete, this arrangement will prevent Trump and a city that hates him from ever having to look at each other.

Still, not everyone is satisfied with this solution. Some conservatives feel betrayed, and wonder if they will be invited inside Trump Tower with the President. “If that were the case, I’d be all for it,” said one Trump-supporting conservative I know. “But something tells me that he’ll invite all his rich buddies and leave the average blue collar conservative to fend for himself.” Other Trump supporters have been scrambling to get inside the Tower, even going so far as to apply for line cook, dishwasher, and custodial positions traditionally held by immigrants.

Meanwhile, some on the left question whether it will be an effective way of keeping the President isolated from the rest of society. “Sure, it’s a good idea in theory,” said a local Democrat, “but what’s stopping the President from sneaking out through the sewers or simply flying over it in a private helicopter?” A handful of congressional Democrats even voted against the bill, which they denounced as an expensive waste of taxpayer money that would fail at its intended purpose of containment of Donald Trump in order to prevent him from causing any more damage.

I shared these concerns with a senior White House aide, who just laughed and informed me that the deal included funding for hiring a team of programmers to build a Twitter simulator for President Trump’s phone, which will recreate the social interactions of the President’s favorite social media site, except with bots instead of real people. The app will feature an advanced algorithm that will determine what combination of praise and condemnation will most effectively keep the President occupied on any given day. “As long as the simulation keeps him busy,” said the aide, “I’m sure he’ll never notice.”

In any case, construction of the wall will begin next month. President Trump will remain in residence in Washington, DC or at the Mar-a-Lago until it is nearly complete. Then, the President  will enter through a small entrance in the wall left by construction workers, which will then be sealed behind him as he goes inside the tower, never to be seen again by the world outside the wall.

How Dungeons & Dragons Taught Me To Defy Conservatives And Cast Actual Spells

A Counter-Punch  to Tony Streamer’s piece on Video Game Politics.
Written by The Reverend Emily Falwell

In the interest of full disclosure, I used to go to college with Tony Streamer. We actually used to be part of the same D&D group. Not that we were the best of friends: I was always complaining about how he would always hijack the group in order to act out his violent, misogynistic power fantasies, and he wasn’t a fan of how I would use most of my spell slots on fire and brimstone when I was supposed to be the party healer. Eventually, we kicked him out after a heated debate in which he insisted that having the kingdom ruled by a queen instead of a king was historically inaccurate for a game set in medieval times. When someone went on Wikipedia and pointed out that there were a number of kingdoms ruled by queens during the Middle Ages, he went off on a lengthy rant about how liberal feminists were rewriting history to further their own agenda.   When my friend responded to Mr. Streamer’s rant by calling him a historically illiterate misogynist and accusing him of getting his facts from Infowars, his response was to flip over the table, empty an entire bottle of Mountain Dew: Code Red over the Dungeon Master’s head, and storm out. And that was the last I heard of Tony. Streamer, until last week, when he posted an editorial on this site which claimed that the video game industry was the victim of a sinister plot, going all the way back to the 80’s, by the progressive left to make games more inclusive.

Personally, I think it’s a good thing that most modern RPG’s ask you to choose your gender, but I have to wonder: why don’t they let you change it in the middle of the game? Doesn’t the industry realize that it’s sending the message that gender is fixed at birth and immutable? Just like the genderless, interchangeable blocks of Tetris helped normalize gender neutrality back in the 80’s, it’s time for the game industry to become inclusive of everyone, including genderfluid shapeshifters. Personally, I think the next generation of RPG’s should let you change your character’s gender at any time, for any reason.

Mr. Streamer may believe that anything less than 100% representation of straight white men among video game protagonists means that a sinister left wing agenda is at work, but these are the words of someone who, unlike many of us, has never had any shortage of games starring someone like him as the main character. Growing up, I always felt that most video games were far too restrictive in forcing you to adopt the roles scripted by the game designers, until I discovered the creative freedom of tabletop gaming, where you are free to create your own character, from their stats and abilities to their backstory and personality.

It was at my Christian school that I first heard the name of the most infamous and forbidden book of occult knowledge in existence: the Dungeons & Dragons Player’s Handbook. According to my religion teacher, this book not only challenged conventional ideas about identity by allowing you to create an alter ego, it was also full of actual spells that you could cast in real life. I was instantly captivated, but I didn’t want to be used as an example of what happens when someone pursues forbidden knowledge instead of following the flock, so I tried to put it from my mind. But then the Book began to whisper to me in my dreams of freedom and love and magic, which kept up for weeks, until I gave in and bought a copy of the Book at the local comic shop, and became instantly popular at my school.

Not only did Dungeons & Dragons help me come to terms with my gender identity, it also sparked a lifelong interest in the fine art of casting actual spells. Before long, I graduated from the gaming table and joined a circle of spellcasters, who instructed me in how to cast spells out of the Book. But I knew that this knowledge was too important to be confined to basements and dorm rooms, so I started my own church to counteract the religious right’s propaganda campaign against art, magic, and gender diversity.

By the time I met Tony Streamer, I knew that his complaints about inclusivity in gaming were part of a right wing assault on freedom and diversity that goes all the way back to the Satanic Panic of the 80’s. But he really shouldn’t be worried that the gaming industry will stop catering to male power fantasies any time soon, because such games are a dime a dozen, from the glorification of U.S. imperialism and militarism found in the Call of Duty series to the glorification of violent criminality in the Grand Theft Auto series. But rather than enjoying what he likes, Mr. Streamer would apparently rather complain about how chess is offensive to men because the queen is the most powerful piece on the board, and how Legos promote gender anarchy because of how you can mix and match the pieces without regard for the gender binary. Mr. Streamer may find this freedom of choice threatening, but for many of us, it has been instrumental in discovering our true selves.

How Liberals have been ruining Video Games since Pac-Man & Zelda

By Tony Streamer

Anybody else out there tired of politics in video games? Now I’m an 90’s kid, so back in my day, games were for men and tomboys.  Women got to show up as characters too, but they were either damsels for men to save or Chun-Li.  Nowadays, I can’t even play an RPG without the game asking me to choose my gender.  Why should I have to choose? I’m proud to be born a man and more than comfortable in my own body!

On a closer examination of actual in-game graphics, another one of Pac-Man’s disabilities becomes visible to the reader; unlike Ms, Pac-Man, Mr. Pac-Man has been burdened to running around the maze from killer ghosts COMPLETELY BLIND!!

Shouldn’t I be able to play a game without feeling that my Christian values are under attack?  I know I’m not the only one who feels this way either! Over the last few years a lot of other Men’s Right’s Activists have been similarly blowing their whistles about the damage Liberals and Social Justice Warriors have been doing to our favorite past-time, and it’s gotten plenty of coverage. However, what the reader might not have known until now is that none of this is new! It’s just way more reported now because we have the internet! Let me explain: Back in my greatest years, we had Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man.  The Misses would only be a “-Man” by name though, because in this golden era of Video Game History, women’s features were put on full display, so that we all knew who liked Hot Wheels and who liked Barbie.

Now, as a mostly tolerant straight guy, I can put away my alpha-male pride for a few minutes, put my wolf-gender politics aside, and enjoy a good game of Ms. Pac-Man.  And yes, I do recognize that it should be a Mrs. Pac-Man since they’re wed, but I’ll let it slide because it the 80s were a wild time. Hell, if I’m drunk enough and the bar has both machines, I’ll even pick the more effeminate machine and role-play the Misses for a night…BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT’S TECHNICALLY A BETTER GAME!!  By design, the machine has more levels in it, which ultimately lets the player get higher scores. It also usually has a better Man to Women ratio with regards to its player base, so by design it lets the player get higher scores.

Don’t be fooled by the cross on his shield! Nintendo’s official policy specifically banned any kind of reference to religious imagery on their platform during this era. Logically, that would mean that Link’s shield cannot be a weapon of Christ and must therefore be a weapon of the devil. The gender-neutral choice of the green tunic and long hair don’t help his case in the eyes before god either…

While the SJW bullshit might have started with Pac-Man in the early 80s, the market would crash in 1984.  You would think the liberalism would just die with the industry…but it didn’t.  Out of the ashes of the American Arcades, Japanese companies such as  Nintendo would transform an industry, and in the process, wrap their SJW liberal politics into $60 cartridges.  Gone was the clear gender distinction of the bow, lipstick and leggy legs! New games, such as The Legend of Zelda, would be shoved into our systems as a front for a SJW cultural appropriation plan! What do I mean by that you ask?  Zelda is a game named after the princess you save, not the hardworking man whose role the player plays.  The “man” by the way is effeminately named the gender neutral “Link,” and portrayed the same way. In fact, if it wasn’t for the manual and fan fiction insisting that Link is a boy, I would’ve guessed the opposite based on the long hair alone!  However, to Link’s credit, he does spend the game doing conservative man things like solving puzzles, smashing furniture, and lighting torches. I can go on and on, but I’m sure that the reader has had enough of my ranting, and save the rest of it for the War on Christmas, which I heard it starting earlier this year… 

-TS

In Search of the Political Center

By Leon Sozeb.

Do you ever feel tired and stressed by the current polarized political climate? Does it ever seem like public opinion is increasingly gravitating away from the fiscally conservative and socially liberal opinions held by most reasonable people and toward the extremes of the political spectrum, into diametrically opposed camps that do nothing but talk past each other?

In 2014, I was on a company retreat at a ski resort in Nepal, and I was pondering how we could once again put reasonable voices front and center in our political discussions. I had been microdosing on DMT for the previous two months, and as I hiked up the slopes, it struck me that modern data technology empowers us to pinpoint the exact center position in any political debate. I knew I was on to something big: No longer would the truth be shrouded in a haze of subjectivity. It could be measured and quantified by a sufficiently advanced algorithm and a large enough dataset.

 

After this revelation, I realized that I needed to start a new department at my company, Sozeb Enterprises, dedicated to using modern data science in order to quantify and pinpoint the political center. After a year of collecting and analyzing millions of blog posts, news articles, editorials, and rants, we introduced our first offering, the ModerApp, which allows users to measure their own political views against the national average. Early reviews by the tech press were overwhelmingly positive, and the ModerApp was hailed as in important step forward in promoting political literary and civil discussion in the digital age. Many users have written to me personally to testify about how they were shocked to discover how far they had drifted away from mainstream opinion and to thank the app’s creators for providing an important wake up call. This app has helped thousands of people optimize their social networks by helping them select the viewpoints that are the most agreeable to the greatest number of people, and has provided an important check on extreme and unpopular opinions.

 

Now, we are ready to take the next step. We have plotted the range of possible opinions on to a graph, with 0 being the center, 1 being the most conservative opinion possible, and -1 the most liberal. We have created a patch for all the major social media platforms, including Facebook and Twitter, as well as for search engines such as Google. Once this patch has been installed, it will use our Political Opinion Scale to assign a rating to every story and article posted on the site in question. Naturally, stories with a perfect zero rating will skyrocket to the top of the user’s feed, and as their deviation from the center increases, their likelihood of appearing to the user decreases dramatically. Any story with a rating higher than .25 or lower than -.25 will go practically unread.

 

At Sozeb Enterprises, we like to dream big. We believe that our brand is the perfect antidote to the current media climate in which extreme positions reign supreme, emotions run high, and reasonable people with reasonable opinions are all too often excluded from the discussion. We believe that modern data technology allows us to engineer a solution to this design flaw in our political discourse. It’s time for moderates of all stripes to band together against extreme viewpoints on both sides. Remember, the corollary to the horseshoe theory is that the center left and the center right are closer to each other than either one is to its respective extreme. Once our media environment has been cleansed of toxic radical agendas, we can all take a breath of fresh air.

 

Leon Sozeb is an entrepreneur, inventor, and the founder and CEO of Sozeb Enterprises, a transportation and space exploration company that has recently branched out into providing data-driven solutions to everyday problems. Mr. Sozeb lives in Los Angeles, California, and is the owner of one of the largest collections of Japanese tentacle erotica in the world. His hobbies include skiing, dabbling in Eastern religions, and reading old science fiction novels for ideas to pitch to Silicon Valley investors. He is an avid proponent of the benefits of microdosing, and is considering a run for President.