Category: Uncategorized

Dear Catholic Church, Religion Should be For Consenting Adults

Written By Reverend Emily Falwell

 

Everyone knows that the Catholic Church has a problem with pedophile priests that goes back centuries. These cases have received widespread media coverage since at least 2002, and yet the Church has failed to come up with an effective response to this epidemic, and has in many cases lied, made excuses, and helped cover up the actions of the perpetrators. This weekend, Pope Francis will be meeting with key bishops in order to discuss how the Church should respond to the thousands of allegations of child abuse by Catholic priests on six continents. Hopefully, the Pope will finally put his foot down and take action to end this crisis once and for all, because, statistically speaking, Catholic churches have statistically toppled everything else we traditionally think of as activities dangerous to children, and has internationally become one of the worst environments for children around the world..

 

No other global institution has made news headlines as frequently as the world’s oldest Christian church for the frequent practice priests molesting children and the Church covering it up and helping the pedophiles avoid local authorities and legal consequences. 180 Priests in New Jersey alone have been credibly accused, and over 300 in the state of Pennsylvania. We’re talking about an institutional cover-up of thousands of child molesters here, and that’s just the recent cases. The Catholic Church’s willingness to turn a blind eye to the crimes of their priests goes back centuries, and only now that these cases are getting widespread media exposure is the Church addressing the issue..

Pope Francis said in his opening remarks yesterday morning that “the people of God look to us and expect from us not simple and obvious condemnations, but concrete and effective measures.” Normally, I wouldn’t offer free advice to Christian churches. But, for the sake of the children, I would like to propose a solution to the Catholic Church’s priest problem: all church functions should be restricted to ages 18 and up. Now, the Catholic Church probably won’t like this solution, but it is one hundred percent guaranteed to work. Besides, the Church has been promising a crackdown on predatory priests for decades without results, so drastic times call for drastic measures. Plus, this policy has already been implemented by a number of Satanic churches, including The Church of Satan and my own Temple of Lucifer.

 

I would like to invite Christian churches to join us followers of Lucifer in an interfaith council against clerical abuse, beginning with the principle that religion should be for adults only. I know we have a lot of theological differences, but I think we can all agree that the safety and wellbeing of children is more important than arguments over religious doctrine. Please take the pledge and join us in restricting all church services to ages 18 and older. Not only will this policy eliminate the risk of the church becoming a sanctuary for predatory priests, it will also prevent your church from becoming a haven for the indoctrination of children.

 

If religion is the opiate of the masses, then perhaps it’s time we started regulating it like we do with other narcotics. Just like you have to be over 18 to make an educated decision about tobacco, and over 21 to make an informed and responsible decision about alcohol, we believe that children are still in the process of developing the critical thinking and reasoning skills required to make an informed decision about religion, leaving them vulnerable to brainwashing and manipulation. So please, Christians, think of the children, and leave religion to consenting adults.

Reverend Emily Falwell is a writer, street preacher, and transgender activist originally from the town of Thessaly in upstate New York. Emily is an ordained minister through an online church that will literally ordain anyone, and holds a degree in theology from Miskatonic University, a small liberal arts college in Arkham, Massachusetts. As the owner of her own church, the Temple of Glycon, Emily is a woman entrepreneur in the traditionally male-dominated field of organized religion.

Government Shutdown Ends As Democrats Agree To Funding Deal For Wall Around Trump Tower

By Max Headcase.

The longest government shutdown in history came to a close today as Democrats agreed to appropriate 1.6 billion dollars to build a 200 foot wall around Trump Tower. This compromise was quickly hailed as an ideal compromise by partisans on both sides. “Everyone wins with this solution,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The President gets his wall, and the rest of us can rest easy knowing that one of the greatest threats in this nation’s history is safely contained within its borders.”

tarp tweetInitially, the Republicans wanted to build a wall that was as tall as the 664 foot Trump Tower. However, after a lengthy deliberation over cost and permitting in Manhattan, the two parties agreed on a 200 foot wall, with the rest of the tower to be obscured by giant tarps flown by hovering drones.  Although constantly tweeting “A TARP IS NOT A WALL!!1!” from the negotiation table, the President signed the agreement soon after in-house IT experts managed to sync up a drone emblazoned with the President’s name to his cell phone. Nicknamed “The Trump Drone,” this customized flying machine is fitted with a 4k projector, altitude sensor, highly secure GPS system and thousands of hours of Fox News footage ; all of which will keep the drone flying near the president in order to project old campaign rally footage from 2016 onto the nearest tarp.

This move was greeted with relief from local New Yorkers, especially many of the neighbors who own sky rights, and who tend to view Trump Tower as an eyesore. Once construction is complete, this arrangement will prevent Trump and a city that hates him from ever having to look at each other.

Still, not everyone is satisfied with this solution. Some conservatives feel betrayed, and wonder if they will be invited inside Trump Tower with the President. “If that were the case, I’d be all for it,” said one Trump-supporting conservative I know. “But something tells me that he’ll invite all his rich buddies and leave the average blue collar conservative to fend for himself.” Other Trump supporters have been scrambling to get inside the Tower, even going so far as to apply for line cook, dishwasher, and custodial positions traditionally held by immigrants.

Meanwhile, some on the left question whether it will be an effective way of keeping the President isolated from the rest of society. “Sure, it’s a good idea in theory,” said a local Democrat, “but what’s stopping the President from sneaking out through the sewers or simply flying over it in a private helicopter?” A handful of congressional Democrats even voted against the bill, which they denounced as an expensive waste of taxpayer money that would fail at its intended purpose of containment of Donald Trump in order to prevent him from causing any more damage.

I shared these concerns with a senior White House aide, who just laughed and informed me that the deal included funding for hiring a team of programmers to build a Twitter simulator for President Trump’s phone, which will recreate the social interactions of the President’s favorite social media site, except with bots instead of real people. The app will feature an advanced algorithm that will determine what combination of praise and condemnation will most effectively keep the President occupied on any given day. “As long as the simulation keeps him busy,” said the aide, “I’m sure he’ll never notice.”

In any case, construction of the wall will begin next month. President Trump will remain in residence in Washington, DC or at the Mar-a-Lago until it is nearly complete. Then, the President  will enter through a small entrance in the wall left by construction workers, which will then be sealed behind him as he goes inside the tower, never to be seen again by the world outside the wall.